Denise’s story…
I’ve always known I was terrible with numbers. But it wasn’t until I was older that I realised just how much my fear of them had shaped my life.
For as long as I can remember, numbers have terrified me, like some foreign language I could not grasp. It all started with a maths teacher in primary school. He was a bully. He was strict, impatient, and exactly the type of teacher you don’t want to teach you maths when it’s not your forte!
I would sit in class, heart racing, stomach in knots, trying desperately to keep up. I’m convinced he got some kind of kick out of it because he’d pick on me repeatedly. And anybody who has struggled with numbers will know – being put on the spot is definitely not the answer! No matter how hard I concentrated, numbers never made any sense. The more frustrated he became, the worse I felt. My anxiety grew so intense that I would shake uncontrollably before maths lessons and would vomit from sheer panic.
My anxiety grew so intense that I would shake uncontrollably before maths lessons and would vomit from sheer panic.
That experience left deep scars. I never really learned how to deal with numbers properly, and as I grew older, I avoided them at all costs. Homework with my two sons was a particular struggle; they’d come to me with their maths questions, and I’d break out into a cold sweat, fumbling through the basics, hoping they wouldn’t catch on to my complete lack of confidence.
But of course, numbers are everywhere and tasks that some people would find simple, would send me over the edge. When it came to finances, I wouldn’t even attempt to manage them. My dad, who had a degree in economics, could never understand why I found it so difficult; I suppose you could say I was number-phobic. He would try to explain things to me, but my brain would just shut down. So, instead, he took control. Dad did my finances for as long as I can remember, balancing my accounts, paying bills, and ensuring everything was in order.
You could say I was number-phobic.
When my dad died in 2021, I was utterly heartbroken and completely lost. Dad was such a huge part of my life, but also so instrumental in the managing of my money matters that I was terrified about the future. My husband took over the financial reins, and I was relieved – but one of my biggest fears is what would happen if he wasn’t around. I still can’t face opening a letter with that ominous clear plastic window, knowing it’s from the bank. I haven’t looked at my bank balance in years; numbers just make me feel sick.
A huge part of this struggle, I’ve realised, is tied to my ADHD. The chaos and mental fog that come with ADHD make it even harder for me to focus on something as rigid and linear as maths. ADHD often affects working memory and concentration, which are key to handling numbers. Knowing that others face similar difficulties has been a small comfort, though I had no idea for years that I had ADHD and could never understand why I found things so tough.
I had no idea for years that I had ADHD and could never understand why I found things so tough.
Since working with National Numeracy, I now know that maths ability isn’t fixed. It’s not a foregone conclusion, and with practice, little and often with tools like the National Numeracy Challenge I will get better and my confidence will grow.
The 4th of November is the start of Number Confidence Week, and it would have been my dad’s birthday. I can’t help but think of how proud he’d be to know that I’m finally facing my fears. It’s daunting, yes, but also empowering. I’ve avoided numbers all my life, but now it’s time to stop running.
I can’t help but think of how proud he’d be to know that I’m finally facing my fears.
